when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
