That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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