What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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