So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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