It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Randomize
