the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
