Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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