i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
