Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
