i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
