dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
