This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
sex in a hospital.. check
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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