I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
