Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
