Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
