I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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