Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
