When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
