Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
