I think I won the penis lottery.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
