Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
