i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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