You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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