If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
