I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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