I cockslap morals
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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