I wish I only lived at night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
