Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
