yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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