he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
