And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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