did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
