I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
