im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
