dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
