I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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