my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
