no, he came in my armpit
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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