You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize