hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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