Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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