I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
