why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
