Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
