i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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