my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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