Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
