Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
