So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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