I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
