So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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