I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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