I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
