Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Too much gin, very little bucket
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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