rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
