i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
