i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
