My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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