I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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