I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
PANTIES FOUND
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