we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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