i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
