It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
