ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
